The Vending Machine

I'm not trying to be introspective or reflective or contraceptive... err... Yes, but if I had to be any an 'ive it would be... protective?  No, wait.  Decisive?  Curse it all!  No.  I've given up on the 'ives.  They're dead to me.  Dead.

Contemplative.  That's it.  Yes.  Moving on.

It's crazy what can happen in a year.  I found the short poem below in My Documents folder.  Notice the date I wrote it?  A year to the day before my future wedding date.  A cosmic message of things to come?  Probably not.  However, for me it was interesting to be sucked back in time to the moment I wrote it.  I was only a few days from making an enormous turning point in my life; taking a new job position, moving out of the 'rents house (yes, for the second time...), and a general feeling of content was settling into the back of my mind reassuring me that I finally caught up with who I wanted to be, even if just for a moment, and was ready to start the rest of my life.

And then the vending machine was upon me.

This poem is a true story, to be sure.  It was at my last place of work and I was working at my office late at night.  I was one of only a few people to have a key to our building and I had stayed behind to look up apartments in Asheville, NC since in only a couple weeks I was to move there (Well here actually.  The vending machine did not do anything as awful as hospitalize me or lower my credit rating after all).

I was feeling like I wanted chocolate and a soda.  Twix candy bars and Cherry Pepsi were singing their sweet siren song from down the hall and I peeled myself away from the computer screen longing for that caramel-y goodness.  I jostled my pocket to unsettle the change resting along the inseam and I smiled as it's perky jangling called back to me.  I had exactly enough for what I wanted.

I approached the vending machine void of any guile for the device; It always rewarded me for my intrigue in the past.  This time, however, the machine did not want to play.  It did not want to play at all.  Like Walter from the Comedy Central edited version of "The Big Lebowski" a stream of PG-13 friendly obscenities spewed forth from my mouth as the money hungry device transformed from friendly solicitor of sugary goods to a contraption of unspoken evil, wickedly retaining my snacky sustenance.

The events that occurred after were accurately recorded on post-it note paper and left scotch-taped to the front of the vending machine of doom for the little old lady who came by weekly to restock and collect money.  It read as follows:

THE VENDING MACHINE

 

A post-it note to say

In the nicest of nice ways

If this machine hadn't ate my change

I'd be having a better day

 

I'll admit some words were shared

When I thought no one was there

To see me issue vengeance

Upon a machine that wasn't fair

 

When it wouldn't just vend nice

I ninja kicked it twice

And now not only are my pockets light

My foot is under ice

 

With my brains now quite long gone

And my arm I once thought long

I reached up through the exit hole

Where I know I dont belong

 

So if you think you could be kind

I would like what should be mine

Though if you can't return my decency

Fifty cents will do just fine

 

- Tyler Kneisly      11/03/05

The next day I happened to be in the office again at the time the vending machine lady returned to do her job.  There was boistrous laughter coming from the break room and I just knew she wasn't going to return my decency.  I sulked and walked down the hall to her to collect my fifty cents.

What does this have to do with getting married?  Absolutely nothing.  Except as a strange matter of coincedence this was the very first original piece of writing I shared with my wife-to-be.  She even kept it tacked on her fridge for a while.

So we don't come full circle.  Maybe we come to some other geometric shape, like some crazy Witch of Agnesi mathmatical equation where we miss the circle entirely.  I don't know.  All I know is that I ain't getting any kudos on my blogs so I'm obviously writing this for my own benefit.

I wonder what will be happening a year from today?

Chat to My Sister (Not With)

 

[Note to phishers of men:  All personal identifiers have been removed from the following content.  Move along.]

 

[Note to Tyler:  Your Myspace is locked down.  Unless we're your friend we can't read this blog anyways so no worries.  P.S. - We know where you live.]

 

-----

Melissa,

 

I know, I know.  You have better things to do than to read a chat you were never actively a part of.  Still... I thought you should have this.

 

Google is a double-edged sword.  Its poorly designed messaging system is easy to overlook and yet everything is saved by simple nature of the fact that it's Google.

 

Also, I think I need to watch less television.  It's been apparantly teaching me things like irony and word-play all the while diminishing my ability to spell c0rrctley.

 

Love,

Tyler

6:01 PM me: HEYYY!!!!!

6:02 PM Hmmm. If you were paying attention to this little box in the bottom corner of your screen, you would know that I'm trying to instant message you.

  But, alas. No such attention is being paid to the little box in the bottom corner of your screen...

  ... And therefore you do not know that I am messaging you.

6:03 PM Oh Google! Why dost thou cureseth me with your irresponsibly designed messaging system?

5 minutes

6:09 PM me: And then minutes later I try writing again...

  But to no avail.

6:12 PM So I, resonsible as I am, pop-out the message screen to a new window in hopes that the nearly indiscernible 'beep' of an alert will be enough to inform me of your pending return.

7 minutes

6:20 PM me: Will the discovery of a missed message creep over you like the subtle shiver of knowledge that wispers to your spine that danger is near? Will you allow yourself a brief but subconciously transfiguring gasp that will certainly capture the condensate of misfortune turned to an exhale of tragedy in the cocoon of your lungs?

6:21 PM 

Apparantly no. You've logged offline.

 

-----

 

Orange you glad I didn't say "orange"?  But seriously, blog readers, I need to go find something better to spend my time on now so... be gone... or however I get rid of you.

The Good News

I had a fantastic weekend this weekend.  The best of my life.  I know, I know, sounds a little dramatic.  Right?  Well it was the best weekend of my life.

For anyone who doesn't already know:  I'm getting married.

My wonderful fiance and I were engaged this weekend to be married November 3 this year.  That means that in only four months (and a couple weeks, sure) I will be kissing goodbye this woefully aimless single life and beginning a life that will be full of companionship and purpose.  I hate to sound like a BYU coed here but, I'm counting down the seconds.

Carmen and I met online.  Yes.  Online.  It was through one of those online meeting sites like the ones you see advertised here on Myspace, except cleaner and for Mormons (which I guess would typify the 'cleaner' aspect).  We spent a few weeks writing emails back and forth and then swapped phone numbers.  Since then there hasn't been a single day that we haven't shared an average of 3 hours on the phone with each other.  You see, she lives in Georgia.

Yes, one of the regreteable things about online dating (something I never thought I'd do but is statistically becoming a more common avenue of introduction for successful couples) is that once you meet someone you know you're attracted to, what then?  If they live 240 miles away it's not as easy as calling your interest up and asking them to a movie or out for dinner; Suddenly seeing them becomes an event that requires planning, foresite and time off from work!

I knew from almost the first email I received from her that Carmen is special and if I'd seen the future as it's rolled out to be, I wouldn't have been surprised.  She's my match in a lot of ways.  From convenient preferences to personality quirks we have enough in common to adore each other's company and enough differences for each other's company to not get old.  Our families are uncannily alike; I am asked regularily by Carmen's wonderful mother if I'm sure I know what I'm getting myself into by becoming a part of their family and I consistently reassure her that my family was practice enough to prepare me for anything.

After a lot of very personal thinking and a lot of prayer I knew that she was the person I wanted to marry.

July 15, 2006, Carmen and I visited one of her favorite places, Saint Simons Island, GA.  We spent four hours driving one of the straightest interstates I've ever seen to finally arrive in the beautiful little island community.  After driving around for awhile, Carmen wanted to take me to one of her favorite restaraunts and we visited a small place called Barbara Jean's and ate world famous crab cake, red beans & rice, squash casserole, broccoli casserole, kettle corn, french fries and 'Chocolate Stuff'.  After we ate we decided to visit the beach and began walking back to the car.  On our way back to the car we took a detour through a comfortably shady park with large trees covered in spanish moss where I sat her down on a worn out stone bench, knelt down on one knee with a ring in my hand and asked her if she would allow me to marry her and she said "Yes".

So yes.  Four more months.  I'm ecstatic.  I've met the best friend I've ever had and I'm looking forward to an eternity by her side.

102 Things About Me

Recently, on a whim I made a list of 102 things about me.  I like to call it "102 Things About Me".

 

It's like those dalmatians from Disney except there's one extra and you can't pet them.  Or, if you did, there may be a law suit.  But they are soft and cuddly!

 

1.  My name is Tyler

2.  I am 25 years old and I feel like I'll be young forever

3.  I'm wise beyond my years

4.  I make friends easily.  Too easily sometimes

5.  I'm selective when it comes to who my best friends are

6.  I have friends in other states

7.  I should talk to them more often

8.  The shortest path between two points is the path i create for myself

9.  Or at least it's the most entertaining...

10.  I'm easily amused

11.  I'm in love with my own sense of humor

12.  I've been in love before

13.  It's not always ended badly

14.  I'm still friends with someone I've loved

15.  I play and write music

16.  Sometimes I play and write music with other people

17.  I strongly dislike celebrities in general

18.  I completely swore off TV for a very long time

19.  I can't stop watching these TV shows:  House, Lost, CSI Vegas, Law & Order

20.  I still do not watch commercials

21.  I love movies

22.  I almost went to film school

23.  I have attempted to write several screenplays

24.  I want to write novels

25.  I believe reading anything exercises the mind as long as you're reading

26.  My favorite books are mysteries

27.  I'm pretty fond of Dan Brown novels right now

28.  What's the big deal with the Da Vinci code?

29.  As usual the movie wasn't as good as the book

30.  I've acted in many plays and musicals

31.  I once quit a production of "The Music Man" because the director threatened to hit a child

32.  I was playing Marcellus

33.  I got pretty bad grades in middle school

34.  I got in pretty bad trouble in middle school

35.  My parents still love me

36.  I love my parents

37.  I'm the second of six children

38.  I'm the oldest boy

39.  My older sister has three children

40.  Two of them are fraternal twins

41.  I get along great with kids, apparently

42.  Family always comes first

43.  Though I do work pretty hard at my job

44.  I fix other businesses problems with organization for a living

45.  I'm a consultant but ask me what I do and I'll tell you I research the miniazation of large animals to make them bite size and oh so delicious

46.  I'm not a vegetarian

47.  I love sushi

48.  I try to work out at least a little bit every day

49.  I bought a gym membership last month

50.  I've gone once

51.  I love hiking, swimming, riding a bike and just getting out

52.  Staying indoors is an awesome way to spend time

53.  I "window shop" on the internet for things I like

54.  I'm too thrifty to commit to anything too extravagant even though I may want it

55.  If I want it for more than a few months I'll probably get it

56.  It takes me 45 minutes to an hour to get ready in the morning

57.  I like taking my time

58.  I like being on time

59.  When it comes to movies, I like being early

60.  I don't have a particular style, but I like to be well dressed

61.  I've been called metrosexual but that's just crazy talk

62.  I am a very confident person

63.  There's a commercial on TV that always makes me cry which is part of why I don't watch commercials.  That and they're evil.

64.  I've already had my 15 minutes of fame

65.  I've met Kevin Costner.  He's not that great.

66.  I was born in California, still have relatives there, but don't intend on moving back

67.  Seattle was one of the most beautiful places I've ever lived in a sad, gray, way.

68.  I love thunderstorms

69.  I'm not scared of anything conventional like heights, the dark, food poisoning...

70.  The idea of being eaten alive makes me extremely uncomfortable

71.  I do not believe tolerance for people's differences is the answer

72.  If it was the answer, people who claimed to be tolerant could be tolerant of intolerance

73.  I strongly dislike hypocrites and self important people

74.  I'm republican

75.  I used to be democrat

76.  Never choose where you stand politically to impress someone.  Never.

77.  Patriotism makes me get choked up as easily as that stupid commercial on TV

78.  I can't think of anything better to die for than one's beliefs

79.  I think beliefs are worth fighting for, even if your beliefs are wrong.  Chances are you don't realize they're wrong

80.  I always prefer to know my enemy

81.  Monsters in movies are much more scary if you never see them

82.  Blair Witch Project was over rated, but it still terrified me

83.  Yes, I do watch R rated movies.  In extreme moderation

84.  I am always working on self improvement

85.  I can admit when I'm wrong

86.  I usually won't argue with someone unless I know that I'm right

87.  When I'm right, I know why I'm right

88.  I appreciate when something can be true from more than one perspective

89.  If I argue about something that can be true from more than one perspective, give me enough time and I will see things your way

90.  I learned how to argue from my mom

91.  I learned how not to argue from my dad

92.  My dad's deaf

93.  He uses a hearing aid to hear.  On long road trips he turns it off.

94.  I love road trips

95.  I love traveling

96.  Tourism is my favorite sport

97.  I would always rather travel with someone

98.  I do my best to always be honest

99.  I will answer any question asked me, but if it's uncomfortable I'll probably joke about it

100.  My honesty has alienated people, but only rarely

101.  Being alone occasionally is just part of life

102.  Being with someone is what life's all about

Genetics and the Race for Asexualism

I have relatives.  Most of us do except maybe Tom who, it is my belief, considers Myspacers to be his family.  If that's true Tom then you wouldn't mind lending me $50.  But you do mind, Tom, so you can't borrow the Trans Am this weekend.

My actual relatives don't want to borrow money from me, but they do enjoy filling my inbox with meaningless back-and-forth communication that absolutely never has anything to do with me.  It's my fault really, I shouldn't have put my name on the family's group email address.  D'oh.

One particularily pointless email that touched absurdley on the subject of "Time" became an exaggerated topic of discussion.  It took a perilous turn into obsurdity when it was noted that in the future there would be no such thing as minutes.  The tension became too much for me.  I went against my better judgement and responded with this:

"There won't be minutes because we'll have done away with them along with pennies, nickels, dimes, the three dollar bill (in honor of President Ziltnok elected to office in a massive landslide vote of 64,226,859,209 to 2 in the year of our Lord 2216 A.D.) and of course the useless 'Y' chromosome (the removal of which proved to end world hunger, poverty, crime and racial and sexual discrimination.  Occurences of driving accidents will soar to all time highs).

 

"Oddly enough seconds will still exist.  As a result the sweaty-palmed anticipation of summer vacation by billions of young ones will from thence begin at 3:00-and-3450-seconds p.m. on the last day of school instead of 3:59."

My first mistake was replying.  My second mistake was creating an arguable point out of a lame and ficticious scenario.  One particularily uppety relative of mine took to my response like women take to diet pills.  Here was her response:

"You seem to be implying that women cause more traffic accidents than
men.  However, your statement does not accord with the facts as presently
known, and I quote (from a variety of studies):

'"In terms of the classic alcohol-impaired traffic accident, the Male Single
Vehicle factor comes closest: single vehicle, darkness, no seat belt, and
the male driver having a previous history of impaired driving charges."

'"According to CSP statistics, male drivers caused more accidents than
female drivers over the last year, in every age category."

'"In 2004, males were 1.4 times more likely than females to be involved in
any collision and were 3.2 times as likely as females to be involved in a
fatal collision."

'"Globally, almost three times (2.7) as many males as compared to females
die from road traffic injuries, accounting for the largest sex
differentials in mortality rates from unintentional injury."

'"Females do not have more injury road accidents on Friday the 13th."  [I
love that statistic.  I want to know who said they did.]

"Etc.

"In fact, the only case I could find where women outnumbered men as being
involved in traffic accidents was in the category of older senior citizens
who were riding (not driving) in a car involved in an accident.

"According to present gender-related driving accident patterns, with a drop
in the male population in the future (except, as I say, if they begin
cloning), the incidence of driving accidents should also drop -- unless
what you're describing is a simple correlation between population and
accidents:  more people, more accidents.  With no hunger, poverty, or crime
(you don't mention war), the population could very well experience an
unprecedented increase.  But you don't give enough details to make this
determination.

"Or were you just trying to be funny?"

Witness how having an itchy trigger-finger can bring upon one's self a world of frustration?  I imagine this relative is the type of person who doesn't sleep well at night because she worries over the implications of idiots running nations.  This irritates me.  Here was my response to her response:

"With the removal of the 'Y' chromosome is it not enough that world hunger will be eliminated but also women's horrible driving records as well?  Wouldn't women's driving records be the only records available?  With men gone your statistics sited would become irrelevant misnomers of a time long past.  I can imagine the dialogue now...

 

'"Suzie, do you remember how awfully those smelly, war-mongering, alcoholic males used to drive?  It's a marvel vehicular manslaughter didn't drive us to extinction!"

 

'"True Allison.  It's conversations like these that make me wholly realize how tolerable the commercial wholesale of individual freedoms was compared to the casually acknowledged and often misguided stereotype that women were less capable drivers then men!  By the way Allison, puns aren't funny."

 

"Then the two Thelma-and-Louise themselves over a cliff to prove some kind of poetically self-justifiable point.

 

"All of this is a moot point anyway.  The 'entire population in general' will continue to thrive as asexual beings.  The population will continue to procreate with the development of a joyless and overly complicated system where young can be selected and then downloaded from the internet like so many MP3's.

 

"Of course your statistics didn't really prove anything to me I didn't already know what with the gender-biased premium I find myself paying annually for auto insurance.  If anything, that you brought them to my attention at all could be evidence of feminist backlash to a common, if not amusing and harmless, stereotype males tend to assign female drivers.

 

"Or were you just trying to be funny?"

Yes.  I know.  A rebutle worthy of blog entry.  What better honor can some hardly worth remembering experience be bestowed with?  Still, her response was satisfying:

"Yes."

I found it interesting that when creating a blog, under "Category" there is no category for Family, which is what this blog is about so instead I chose "Pets and Animals" since I suppose it's the catergory that could be most closely attributed to the subject of one's family.

And this being my first blog.  Please.  Give me some love.